Welcome to My Worlds: A Bipolar Christian Tells All

[Permission to Forward]

Kelly Mortimer of Mortimer Literary Agency Presents:

The First “Hangin’ with a Happenin’ Agent” Conference

Everyone knows I’m certifiably insane, so I need to keep up my rep. I’ve decided to have my own mini-conference. A one-woman conference. [or a two-woman, if ya count my bipolar disorder] Learn. Laugh. De-stress in beautiful Southern California.

WHY?

· Many writers belong to RWA, but can’t afford a trip to their D.C. conference.

· Many writers don’t belong to an organization, and don’t know where to start.

· Many writers can’t afford the high costs of conferences: conference fees, food, lodging, extra editing and seminar costs, transportation. Yikes!

· Many writers don’t get a chance to know an agent in a ten-minute appointment. I wanna make friends! I’m a good friend to have. [So my friends tell me….]

· Many writers don’t like conferences where thousands of people attend. [Sometimes it’s better to be a big fish in a small pond.]

· I guarantee you’ll leave my conference motivated, more knowledgeable, and well rested. [You’ll have downtime, and great ways to spend it.]

· Conference will benefit anyone who wants to rev up their writing, have fun with me, and possibly win ridiculous [the good ridiculous, meaning “awesome”] prizes.

GENERAL INFO:

Place: Calvary Chapel Conference Center, Murrieta, CA. [Note: This is a conference for ALL writers, not just inspirational writers]

Dates: Friday May 29, 2009 at 4 p.m.; to Sunday May 31^st at 10:15.

Registration: Deadline to have forms and money order in my hand: Thursday May 28

AGENDA:

• One-hour workshops with practical, hands-on advice to help writers in different aspects of their careers.
• A one-hour Motivational Speech [I dare ya not to be motivated.]
• A twenty-minute pitch appointment with moi.
• Question-and-Answer time
• Hangin’ out with me. Just wanna gab? I’m up for it.

AMENITIES: [It’s a sic spot, dudes!]

• Mammoth swimming pool [not a pool for Mammoths, it’s just gigantic]
• Roman Spa that holds 80 people [No worries. LOTS of chlorine.]
• 6 Natural Hot Springs
• Tennis
• Volleyball
• Basketball
• Billiards
• Foos ball
• Ping-pong
• The grounds have fountains, waterfalls, palm trees; and rolling, green lawns.

FUN EXTRAS and PRIZES:

• I’ll bring some of my bodacious, blingy bags [custom-made handbags] from Four Gals Designs [www.4galsdesigns.com], as they aren’t yet available in high-end stores. They’re pricey (hundreds), but I’ll give y’all a discount.
• One fortunate attendee will WIN a handbag just for attending a workshop!
• Immediately following the conference, you can win lunch and shopping on me. [Well, I don’t want your lunch on me.][details follow]
• Drawing for a chapter (up to 30 pages) content/line edit.

COST:

• Workshops [kewl], Motivation [priceless], Pitch [my undivided attention—oh, forgot, I’m bipolar…sorry.], All Five Meals (two breakfasts, one lunch, two dinners), and Lodging. [Lodging is dorm-style: two-to-six people per room, but the rooms are off the rip—and I’ll be stayin’ in one of them. Pillow fight, anyone?]

• Total cost for the entire weekend of information, fun, and R&R is only $250.00! Period. Everything’s covered except transportation. An awesome deal!

TENTATIVE SCHEDULE:

Friday:

4:00-5:00 Check in

5:00-5:30 Orientation

5:30-7:00 FREE TIME! Unpack, rest, explore the acreage of waterfalls, gardens, etc., or use the fab facilities.

7:00-7:45 Dinner

8:00-9:00 Motivational Speech: How I Went from Worthless to Worthwhile

Saturday:

8:00-8:45 Breakfast

9-10:00 Workshop: Extreme Makeover: Editing Edition, Part 1 (Bring THREE Full-

Page Overheads of Your Work, and We’ll Edit them!)

10-12:00 Appointments (If you don’t have an appointment, this is FREE TIME!

Rest, explore the acreage of waterfalls, gardens, etc., or use the fab facilities.)

12-12:45 Lunch

1:00-2:00 Workshop: Extreme Makeover: Editing Edition, Part 2 (Bring THREE Full-

Page Overheads of Your Work, and We’ll Edit them!)

2:15-4:00 Appointments (If you don’t have an appointment, this is FREE TIME! Rest, explore the acreage of waterfalls, gardens, etc., or use the fab facilities.)

4:00-5:00 Workshop: Query Letters and Synopses – Make a Great First and Last Impression

5:00-6:00 Let’s hang out! Informal question and answer session, or we’ll just gab. (No pitches allowed!)

6:00-6:45 Dinner

7:00-8:00 Workshop: Bleak to Chic – Dress for Success (My version of What Not to Wear.) Lookin’ great gives you the confidence you need in a field where rejections abound. One fortunate attendee to this workshop will win a $100.00 gift card to buy a new outfit, and if you stay until the conference is over, we’ll go to lunch, and then I’ll take you to the mall and give ya advice on how to spend your winnings!

Sunday:

8:00-8:45 Breakfast

8:45-9:00 Drawing for Four Gals Designs handbag and Chapter Edit. Collect survey sheets. Closing remarks for those who don’t have Sunday appointments and wanna bail.

9:15 Shuttle to airport, or hang out until noon (when they kick ya out).

9:15-10:15 Appointments (If you don’t have an appointment, this is your last chance to take advantage of the facilities until noon, or you can get the heck outta Dodge.)

10:30-1:30 Shopping trip and lunch for workshop winner, if still around. (Hint: Duh!)

ACQUISITIONS LIST:

[You don’t have to write in the genres listed below to attend. Still have great info.]

• Single Title and Category/Series
• Contemporary Romance/Romantic Comedy (No Chick Lit)
• Historical Fiction
• Historical Romance
• Paranormal/Fantasy/Speculative (Both romance and not)
• Romantic Suspense (No Cozy Mysteries)
• Suspense/Thrillers
• Women’s Fiction
• Young Adult/Middle Grade
• Non-Fiction
• Screenplays/TV Scripts

Not Looking For:

• Science Fiction
• Children’s Books
• Westerns
• Poetry

ABOUT THE AGENCY/KELLY MORTIMER:

• Kelly is a Two-Time Nominee, and the American Christian Fiction Writers “Agent of the Year,” 2008
• Top 5 : Publisher’s Marketplace Top 100 Dealmakers–Romance Category, 2008
• Top 10: Publisher’s Marketplace Top 100 Dealmakers–Romance Category, 2007
• Founder and Operating President of the new Christian Writers’ Organization, CMA: Christian Media Association www.joincma.org (not live yet)
• Represents ABA Writers (Secular), and CBA Writers (Inspirational)
• Agency is Romance Writers of America (RWA) Recognized www.rwanational.org
• Member: Orange County Chapter, RWA www.occrwa.org
• Monthly Snarky Humor Columnist - Christian Fiction Online Magazine www.christianfictiononlinemagazine.com
• Monthly “Ask an Agent” Columnist - Romance Writers United http://rwunited.freehostia.com
• Agency Site: www.mortimerliterary.com
• Web Site For Writers: www.perilsofpublishing.com
• Blog: www.welcometomyworlds.com
• Loop: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Agent_of_the_People

MISCELLANEOUS INFO:

• Handouts for workshops given
• No tape recorders, please.
• If traveling via air, Ontario Airport (ONT) is the closest, roughly 40 minutes from the site. We’ll run one shuttle from the airport on Friday at 3:00 p.m.—can fit the first 6 people who request a ride, and one on Sunday at 9:15 a.m. No charge!
• Dress is ultra-casual. [I know what I said about dressin’ up, but not for this conference.]
• More questions? E-mail me: kmortimer@mortimerliterary.com
• Sorry, no refunds.

Let me know if you’re in, I’ll e-mail you a registration form, then you pony up the dough by Cashier’s Check or Money Order only, made out and sent to:

Kelly Mortimer

52645 Paui Road

Aguanga, CA 92536

Hope to meet some serious, non-hobby writers and get to know ya. Boo-Yah!

The dreaded bailout has passed the House, but not the Senate. My first question is: What the heck is President Bush thinkin’? I’m pleasantly astonished that a few conservatives finally found their backbones and told him, “No!” Sheesh. You’d think he was a liberal the way he spends our money. I give him points on protecting us, and that he’s pro-life, but his reckless spending [to me, anything that doesn’t haveta do with the military], and his comments on the Bible don’t make him my favorite president. Are we ever gonna get a true conservative to vote for? [Sorry, my clients need me.]

This is insanity gone rampant. Don’t the idiots [pardon] that run GM and Chrysler realize they’re being NATIONALIZED? Does our government seek to run everything? [Actually, if you think like the liberals, the answer is yes, as they know what’s best for us. And, oh, we need them to take care of us.]

First, the banks/mortgage companies. That frosts me, as the bleepin’ Democrats forced sub-prime loans down their throats, then what happens? People can’t pay, and the government has to bailout the industry. Pardon, WE bailout the industry. It’s our tax money. [Wonder where all that money already appropriated for the banking industry disappeared to?]

As for the car manufacturers, what a joke. Guess what? This really isn’t a bailout for the automakers; it’s a bailout for the UAW (United Auto Workers Union). They don’t wanna lose their bloated concessions. Do you realize that automakers have to pay pensions after union workers are dead? When they can’t work? How high their wages are? (Approximately 70 bucks an hour for a line worker, including benefits.) The Japanese get $45; in India, $19.00 an hour. What about the suits? Roughly 20 million a year [I bet those suckers get free cars too.] I saw Norma Rae, but this is ridiculous [the bad connotation].

Add to that the libs and the environmental fascists put so many restrictions on our automakers, it’s no wonder they’re in trouble. What with the CAFE standards (Corporate Average Fuel Economy), which tells Detroit the MPG they should get for the types of cars they sell, I’m shocked they didn’t ask for a handout sooner. Now the Democrats wanna have a “Car Czar” oversee the industry and control the money. Want Nancy Pelosi tellin’ you you haveta drive a Yugo, right before she takes off in a gigantic military plane? [Where are those terrorists when ya need ’em. Yes, that was a joke … kinda.]

Will it end? GM and Chrysler said they need $14 billion to operate through March 31. We’re lookin’ at up to 25 billion to start. Since they’re losin’ about 2 billion a month, this bailout is milk money. It’s usin’ a Band Aide for a decapitation. No. No! NO!

What about the foreign automakers? They get a free ride. [You know, the companies that assemble cars here, so you really aren’t buying a “foreign” car.] They aren’t unionized, so they can afford to sell their cars for less money. I don’t care if I had two broken legs and a broken arm. I’d use my good arm to drag myself down the road before I’d buy a foreign car. [Yes, I had a 7-series BMW, but that was when I was in my 30’s, young and stupid. FYI: If anyone sees me drivin’ that KIA Minivan, it’s a rental. Driving it is my punishment for killin’ the Silver Bullet, may she rest in peace.]

Look, I don’t want a bunch of people out of work, but this can’t be helped. We have a system for businesses that can’t make a go of it—it’s called bankruptcy. Oh, but the automakers are too big. We can’t afford to lose them! That doesn’t mean they go out of business, they just have to reorganize and get leaner and meaner. Nearly all the major airlines went through bankruptcy. Gone on a trip recently? Gee, somehow we still have airplanes to fly us places.

What about the publishing industry? I don’t see the government charging in to stop layoffs there. And the newspapers. [Actually, the leftist papers are getting’ what they deserve.] But, seriously, don’t the liberals care about writers? Editors? Agents? Truth is, no one bails our businesses out. Yeah, some of the problems stem from idiotic policies and the UAW, but some blame falls on the suits as well. Either way, I don’t think they’re entitled to my money.

We need to lose CAFÉ standards. We need to lose our Democrat-controlled Congress. We need to lose the corrupt union bosses—all of which are strangling the industry.

That’s it for now. This makes me ill, especially that some Republicans are for the bailout.

President Bush, ya done us wrong!

K. – “The Crazed Conservative”

Ugh. I keep my hands off dialogue, but when it comes to the rest, I’m tough, but for a reason. To help. Tellin’ you you have the next best thing to havin’ me rep ya, won’t help if it ain’t true. So what can up your chances? Show the agents and editors you know something most writers don’t. Here’s one of four tips (the others will appear Wed., Thurs., and Friday).

I don’t like it, and everyone does it. The dreaded reflexive pronoun use.

Definition: Only use pronouns ending in “self,” when the pronoun refers back to the subject. Don’t use “own” in conjunction with a pronoun when referring back to the subject.

Examples, please! Okay, okay. No worries.

Only use pronouns ending in “self,” when the pronoun refers back to the subject. Ex: “I hit myself.” A piece of cake, or pie, depending on what ya like. Right?

Here’s a format I see often: “His own brother hated him.” No, no,  no! This should read, “His brother hated him.” Why say ‘his own brother’? Like is brother isn’t his own? Clean up the little things. A lot of little things can add up to one big thing. Oops, thats, “a big thing…”

Finally! So, what is the Mortimer Literary Mentorship Award? It’s my attempt to complete my main mission in life: to help writers. I can’t help everyone, but I can help one.

The second week in January, I’ll begin by evaluating the recipient’s first chapter. From there, I’ll spend up to twelve months working with that writer, moving toward the goal of representation and the sale of the manuscript.

Here’s the deal, in advance, as the newsletter gang won’t see this until later. I’ll be accepting applications from October 1-31. Application includes contact info, the first full page (250 words in Courier New, 300 words in Times New Roman)  of your completed manuscript in any genre except erotica or Romantica, and a one-page essay on why I should chose you.

Oh, I can’t forget to mention this part. I can’t know who you are. I have lots of friends, and I’d like to keep it that way. Applications won’t go to me. I’m running this as I would a contest. I’ll want the genre and word count in the header, and the title of the manuscript. Sooo, it has to be a manuscript you’ve never submitted to me. I’ll take the first 100 applications that meet all the requirements. And if your submission comes in before midnight on Sept. 30th, we’ll disqualify you, so no jumpin’ the gun.

This program isn’t designed for the writer who has one foot in the publishing door, but for a writer who needs extra, time-consuming help, that I’ll give with a light and happy heart.

Now ya have the basics, so get ready!

Hi,

I’m here, if anyone wants ta chat…

Hi Gang,

Okay, next paragraph, same thing. Paragraph on another character. Here’s an example…

SECOND CHARACTER PARAGRAPH:

[Born the bastard son of an earl, Pearce de Godfrey despises noblewomen. Was it not one who lied to him of her love, then robbed him of his child? Pearce saves the life of England’s prince, and the king awards him a bride with a rich dowry. Now he’ll have the means satisfy two of his goals: wealth and position. With his newfound resources he can scour the land for his child, if one exists. But, alas, he’s fallen in love with a peasant maid whom he’s vowed to keep from harm. Now he’s forced to make an agonizing decision. Should he wed for love—or the means needed to claim his kin? Imagine his anger when he finds a hated noblewoman is the peasant who won his heart.]

Now, you can have a short “wrap up” on the plot, if your two paragraphs didn’t outline it well enough. As long as you’ve stated the character’s goals, etc., and some of the plot, you can move on to the bio paragraph.

BIO PARAGRAPH:

[I’ve recently sold two articles to A Greater Freedom, an inspirational military publication, another to Club Romance e-zine, and numerous greeting card captions (yeah, I know—but everyone tells me they count). I have a Web site at: www.kellymortimer.com, where I’ve listed my endorsements. I’m a Romance Writers of America PRO member, and I attend meetings at my home chapter, Orange County, CA RWA. I also travel to RWA’s yearly National conferences in order to network and take advantage of the wonderful opportunities their variety of workshops provide.]

CLOSING PARAGRAPH:

NOTE: a SIMULTANEOUS submission means you’ve sent this work to other agents/editors. A MULTIPLE submission means you’ve submitted multiple projects TO THIS PERSON.

[This is a simultaneous submission. Thank you for taking your valuable time to consider my query. May I send you a partial of full manuscript, my synopsis, and marketing plan?]

Sincerely,

Kelly L. Mortimer

[no space] Contact info and Web site if not in header or footer as letterhead

Things to leave OFF your bio:

Non writing-related job experience

Individual names of more than 2 chapters

More than three contest finals or wins (if not already in first paragraph)

Opinions of your family and friends

Misc. 

What Agents/Editors don’t like:

When you compare your work to others’ in this way…

“I’ve written the next Da Vinci Code,” or

“I’m the new Dan Brown the world is waiting for,” or

“I’m positive my manuscript will be a best-seller,” or

“You’d be foolish to pass on this manuscript.” [yes, I’m serious.]

[It’s fine to compare your manuscript to another author’s work when you’re saying:

“Think [insert author’s name]”

Please send your questions via “comments.”

Tell your loops and friends to join us. What would y’all like to learn next? I’m open to ideas!

Smiles,

K.

Hi Everyone. Under the “this could only happen to me” category, I did the lesson on the blog. I thought I’d better save it in a word doc too. So, I tried to copy the text. Hmm. Wouldn’t let me. Then I tried to print it out to scan. Wouldn’t let me. So, I hit “Save” and the site deleted the lesson. What fun! I was so upset I had to go outside and attack a helpless pine. Tree-huggers, don’t get yer twigs in a twirl. I got out my electric sander and smoothed out the top of the desk I need to refinish. Okay, on with the show.

I don’t remember word-for-word, but here goes.

 

The Query Letter – Part 1 of 2 

We all know how important the query letter is. If you’ve never met the Agent/Editor (a/e) you’re sending the letter to, the query is your “first impression.” What makes an excellent query? Gotta use the “S” word. It’s subjective. There are some common sense things people with no common sense don’t do, or do do if they shouldn’t. I’ll touch on those, just in case.

 

1. Make sure the a/e you’re sending your query to reps/edits what you write. No, we won’t read your query and so love it, we’ll change what we rep/buy. No one likes a writer who wastes our time. Tsk.
2. Follow submission guidelines. How hard is it to go to the Web site of the agent/house you’re querying? I state I only accept e-queries, yet I usually get one snail-mail a day. I also get e-queries from those who don’t qualify as per my query requirements. No, I won’t break the rules for you, and I don’t appreciate you asking. Well, not you.

 

Okay, now let’s take it from the top—literally. Proper format isn’t a deal-breaker, but it helps.

 

3. Make a simple letterhead at the top of your page. Nothin’ fancy required. Your name in a bigger-than-12-pt. font, and your brand or mantra (if you have one). Your address as well, or you can put it at the bottom of your letter, or under your signature.
4. Skip a space or two, then left justify the date.
5. Skip a line and type the name of the person you’re querying. PLEASE spell the name correctly! Only address as: Dear a/e if that’s what the person/house requires. Looks way tacky. Their agency/house below that, their address below that. Skip a space and type “Dear whatever-your-name-is.”

 

Wasn’t that easy? Now for something that mystifies, and often strikes fear into the hearts of writers. The Logline (since I’m in So.

Cal., that’s what I call it), Tagline, or Handle. The one-two lines that sum-up your manuscript. The few lines that make us wanna read on, that hook us in, that tell us what you’re writing. The Logline is VITAL. Sorry, didn’t mean to scare ya.

 

6. Here’s an example: They were perfect for each other. Too bad they were born in different centuries. This is the Logline from the movie Kate and Leopold, a time-travel romance starring Meg Ryan. I instantly knew what kind of movie it was. Effective logline.
7. Another example is taking the titles of two books or movies, slapping them together, then comparing them to your manuscript. For instance: Emma meets The Valley Girl describes the movie Clueless. Get the idea? Now it’s your turn. Work on your logline. For anyone who’d like my opinion, feel free to send your one-two lines in and I’ll comment on them tomorrow. We’ll finish part 2 of the lesson on Wednesday.

 

I’d like to thank you all for signing up for my blog, and I hope the lessons benefit you.

 

Smiles,

Kelly

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